MMIV; Tattered & Torn
Posted by Christian | Posted in 2004 | Posted on Monday, February 08, 2010
No sugar coating this at all but this year sucked. It was easily the toughest and most painful year that I can recall since my very existence on this earth. Picking up from where 2003 ended, I found myself unable to make myself return back to TU. Ultimately it was realizing that I did not want to devote another 3½ years (or more) to being there…I was beginning to feel my true weakness in my spirit and how I was not meant to simply follow in the footsteps of my brother.
Change was coming and it hit me like a low blow in a boxing match. Having to break the news of my decision to officially withdraw from TU to my parents was not easy. Having my mom worry and cry every night about me not being in school anymore was not helping at all… It was as if all the crap that I was experiencing since I entered college was spilling over and infecting her like a virus. I hated myself for it. I hated to see her suffer and hurt. Not my mom…I would have preferred to be in jail and be locked up or be beaten bloody than to see all the shit that my mom went through because of me…
And so, I greeted the spring of 2004 no longer a college student, but rather as a high school graduate who was still living at home, unable to take any classes at the community college because of the past registration deadline, had no real clue where to go for school or what to study, and was in need of a job. This was the last place I wanted to be in life after graduating high school. I was ashamed, confused, and utterly lonely. It was at this stage of life that I found myself living my greatest fear that I still have today- the creeping sense of hopelessness.
I sure did not think this hopeful at the time
but there was some other plan for me;
something else that was different in my life beyond the structure of school;
something more than a mere plan for my life- this was all a beginning to discovering myself- a path which is never fully paved.
All I knew was that I couldn’t give up. I quit TU and I did not want to do anymore quitting. I couldn’t stop trying to find that hope for my future. Giving up hope is just like dying but still being physically alive. Looking for hope was a matter of survival.
Driving all over town, making phone calls, and meeting with managers of different businesses in the area proved exhausting and discouraging when no sight of a job came about. But some greater plan was taking shape when I stepped foot into where I least expected to find the possibility of a job. No sign of any kind that gave or anything, I stepped into a CJ’s restaurant and was offered an interview on the spot by the hiring manager, Jon, after I simply asked if there were any job openings at the time… later that same week, I was started working as a busboy and cashier. I wasn’t working many hours at all, I remember working just 3hours for about 4 days a week- ridiculous I know. I don’t think many other people would have stayed at a job like that, but I figured that it was better than nothing. I know see that this job helped me learn to be humble. Though I had to do so much dirty work when I first started out at CJ’s, I remember thinking to myself. ‘Well, who am I to complain? I have a job. Not everyone does.’ I also remember a certain shift supervisor that would find it funny and odd that I hadn’t quit yet after seeing the bad hours that I was getting. He didn’t say it but the vibe he gave me was why the hell are you here?… and I thought to myself ‘I don’t want to be a Quitter.’ Being at CJ’s during that year showed me that many people and things in life are going to try to knock you down and make you quit- but I knew that working there was not the end for me. It was just a stepping stone on the path of getting my life back in order. Yeah, I didn’t know what exactly that was for me, but I knew that there’s was something bigger and better for me waiting in the future…This gave me the tiniest bit of strength to take the shit from the jerk supervisor I had and smile back knowing that there was more than CJ’s in my future.
The start of summer class registration at the local community college meant I was signing up for more than a full load of classes. No being in school for about 5months left me craving to get back in the swing of school and to get the ball rolling with the transfer process to a 4year university. I took at least 15units (5 classes) for each of the summer and fall semesters. My life was busy with full-time school, studying, and working 20hrs+ during the last three days of each week. I was playing catch-up from the lost time and much of the nontransferable coursework from TU. Things were changing but I still remained the super skinny shy meek kid that I was from high school. Insecurity still plagued me and tied me up though I yearned for people to reach out to me. I found some connection with the explicit metal music that I listened to that shared my feelings and pain. But as the year rolled to a close, I found myself having grasped bits of hope and joy for what I was doing. By the end of the year, working at CJ’s was actually fun once I established relationships with my co-workers and new management took over that blessed me with actually good people who were nice and hard workers. Having many Mexicans working there made the work crew all feel like family since I could communicate with them in Spanish. Caucasians were a clear minority- unlike TU, it was what was familiar and not foreign to me at all (ironic??...maybe)
Christian, I'm enjoying stalking your life.
haha! stalk on...
p.s. I miss you, Joe! I would def love to be in same group with you once I return in 2011.