MMIII; A New Start
Posted by Christian | Posted in 2003 | Posted on Sunday, February 07, 2010
*Disclaimer:
Seeking to achieve a mixed balance of clarity, focus, depth, and conciseness, I will keep all these entries limited to approximately 1000 words; quite the challenge- in many ways. I feel the need to do this and though it’s hard, I know understand that
strength does not come without pain…. But here it is.
2003 Revisited.
strength does not come without pain…. But here it is.
2003 Revisited.
This was the year that sparked the change from the routine and the structure that I had known since I started kindergarten. In a nutshell H.S. for me constituted of living at home with my family, going to school 5 days a week, hanging out with fellow socially outcast kids, going to tennis practice and games, and either talking about new video game strategies or the latest in heavy metal music with my small group of friends at school- this pretty much described my life. The thing that made me stand out from my clique of friends was that I applied and had been accepted to almost every university that I was interested; mostly all CSU schools and a couple of private ones that were in-state. The only out of state school I applied to was TU (a small rural private school in the Midwest where my older brother was finishing up his Junior year at the time). I figured that it was best to keep my options open.
Finishing up my senior year in at high school proved to be a time where I had the most options as far as colleges...and I had no idea what the heck to do. You know that one person that you have in the different stages of life that is always there to listen and just makes everything seem alright after you have vented out all your worries and problems to them? Rudy was that person for me during my Junior and Senior year in high school. My counselor all through high school, Rudy, served not only as my academic guide- but also at times as my personal counselor/therapist. Truth be told, I would be making appoints with him about every two weeks just to keep in touch and to ask random questions that kept popping into my head. And so the spring of 2003 is where I realized I had to actually start making decisions for my future. Though the advice and insight from Rudy and my older brother helped me out, they could not make the decision that was right for me.
It was at this point of my life that I decided to turn to my religious Catholic background that I knew all my life to get some help from God. And so I prayed. Beyond the usual memorized catholic prayers, I prayed openly to God for help in what my college plans. After at least a month of considering all my options, I finally knew that in the upcoming fall semester I had to get away from my hometown, and enter a new and different environment that would rip me out of my shy, meek, and introvert comfort zone that I have known all too well as a kid... and so it happened.
Before I knew it, I found myself in the flatlands of the Midwest , moving into the dorms, and going through welcome week for the incoming freshmen of TU. No longer was I part of the large Hispanic population like I was in California
Though I was at the same school as my older brother, I hardly saw him during the semester. So I quickly found myself being off on my own for the first time in my life. Though TU had exposed me to spiritual dimensions of life through the classes, chapel services, small groups, and Sunday services (rather than the Sunday Mass I was all too familiar with) - I realized just how weak I was in my faith. Academically, I was a straight-A student. But spiritually and physically- I was hurting. I had put up walls in the relationships that I had with the other guys in the dorms and I bottled up the pain that I was going through of being alone and away from the comforts of home. Sticking to my introvert and meek personality, I tried to solve my own problems. I had so many opportunities to step out of my shell- but my weak hurting and insecure spirit keep me inside of it. Though I didn’t know it at the time, I was my own worst enemy.
Rather than going through the ‘Freshmen 15’ that commonly happens to guys when first starting college, I had the opposite effect and dropped 15lbs. I suppose I tried to control my diet and image since so much else was beyond my control. I wasn’t anorexic or bulimic- I just did not eat right and exercised more than I needed to. Signs showed of the inner battle within me when others started to take notice of my increased weight loss and started to show some concern. The only person that I could truly confide in was my brother. There were several times where I would spend time with him in his dorm room and I just broke down. He saw how difficult the transition into college was for me and I thank God that He was there for me. The last half of that semester, I found myself praying intensely every morning for the strength to get through the semester and to just gain some peace about my new life in college. Despite my prayers, I did not take those steps of faith to let other people into my life; I kept them at a distance.
Once the end of the semester came around, I flew back home to California
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