I guess that is how I can really explain the start of 2009. Right from the get-go, I found myself in completely new environments, situations, and interactions with people that I had not done before. Such as going out to a club to hangout with a friend and their other friends, meeting ppl outside of San Diego and driving out to meet them, or just simply being around a different crowd of people that extended beyond the safety net feel of the AGO community. This new change of scenery taught me so much more than I thought I had bargained for. Conversations and shared memories with people my age helped me to definitely see the reality of people living life without having a regular church or Sunday service is the usually structure for someone who calls themselves a Christian. It was interesting to see the reaction of people who would find out that I believe in Jesus and am a Christian guy since I was in places that ‘church’ or ‘religion’ usually aren’t found or even mentioned- more shocking was that they treated me no differently than before not knowing about my faith or ‘religion’- if anything, they would ask questions and share about their experience with the church and what not. Compared to my Christian friends, I felt somewhat like a black sheep or a renegade Christian- especially since the semester before I was Chaplain and always tried to be there for everyone. Though my new perspective and passion to be with people may have caused me to hangout less with some of them, those few close brothers still remained there for me. And that’s life I guess. I realized that I can’t be friends with everyone or be close with them. And I came to understand that the church should not be bound to a building or that people who belong to the church should just stay in their comfy church bubble where it’s rare to find someone who is not a Christian in just regular life…

I wouldn’t admit it at the time, but I didn’t make the best of decisions during this last semester of my college career. I started talking with my ex again. I had decided to give her a 2^nd chance and to put my trust in her again since the 1^st time we were together we broke up when I was away from the country on my semester abroad…And before not too long, we were together again. Despite almost all the people I had talked to about the situation and had expressed great concern and worry for me, I didn’t let their wisdom and insights get to me…

Mmmhhhhhmm. LOL. I apparently learn the hard way. Just as with everything in my life I thank God to still be able to look back on everything and laugh. Some things might take longer to laugh at than others, but given enough time and understanding, I can laugh at it all and not regret a single thing.

Truly by God’s grace, I finished the semester but it was quite the fight. I remember one night at work during finals week (I had gotten a job at a sushi restaurant in January) my boss had asked if I was feeling alright or stressed- I guess that pressure of finally being done with school started to show itself on my face.

And so the start of summer came along. I decided to intern for Strong Missions, the missions org that I had worked with during the previous years missions trip. I spent 5 weeks there working, translating, and traveling with the missions groups that came from the U.S. I loved the work I was doing. And it wasn’t just the work, it was the people that I worked with and the relationships that it help me establish. Returning back was hard but I knew that I very much needed to be working my summer job and at the sushi restaurant. 2 jobs each day, about 5 days a week. Nuts. I was on average working 55hrs+ every week. Crazy.

With summers end however, I found a lot more time to chill and relax and actually realize that I wasn’t a student anymore; an interesting time of transition. By October, I had found out that I would have the opportunity to get a full-time position working with Strong Missions as a Program Coordinator. Keeping contact with Charlie, the director from Dallas but now living in Costa Rica, got me excited to know that I’d be able to travel, serve, and earn income all with the job offered that he presented me with. It didn’t take long to accept since I had no other career plans in sight. I’d give it a try- no binding contract so I dove right on in.

The couple months left prior to my departure to Costa Rica, was just focused on being with friends and hanging out as much as possible. It was awesome. Fun times indeed. Unexpectedly I got offered to go free to a Lady Gaga concert in December that definitely left an impression on me. When I thought nothing major would happen during the little time left, I see that I have a truck load waiting for me. Expecting to make a swift exit, I get handed a rose. A rose for the road that has helped me along the way…

haha…

I will try my best to enlighten how this all came about.

Welp, about the first half of January found me and Gio backpacking all throughout Southern Chile/Argentina. Like mentioned previously, I’m glad that I was able to be tired, lost, hungry, confused, happy, and overjoyed all with someone else that was in the same boat that I was in... a cargo ship to be exact;) After all the hiking and traveling and random adventuring that we both did, I learned so much about not just the southern part of South America, but I definitely learned just how much we all have in common with people…and yet it’s the itty-bitty differences that cause us to be separate and discriminate oh so easily.

I was guilty of this very thing. I saw it in myself. I did not like it.

San Diego. 

Returning back to SD after 6 months of separation was like being reunited with your best friends…well that’s exactly what it was. After being tackled down to the ground by my pledgebro upon entering the AGO house, I was welcomed back by all the guys and asked so much about my time away. My favorite quote upon my arrival was exclaimed by my pledgebro- Dink, you look…UGLY!- aaand he was right I guess LOL. I mean during most of the half year of being away in Brown America, I decided to not cut my hair, to not shave, and to not drink a drop of alcohol. I based it off of the Nazarite Vow- a spiritual discipline that is found in the bible and I was compelled to do it for a time until I knew that it was right for me to clean up; a step of faith that I chose to take in order to help separate myself from the effects of all the crap that happened to me while away and to gain more sensitivity to God’s Spirit and voice…

Beyond my physical appearance, I felt different. My friends noticed it too. It was a heightened spiritual maturity that I had gained. The strength behind the scars that I now bore had granted me some crazy wisdom and I just was able to speak into peoples lives easily when I hung out with them and they opened up about their problems and issues. For the first time in a long time, I definitely felt at peace; like a monk or something. Just at peace and worry-free about most everything. I just wanted to be in prayer all the time and to know what God was doing in their lives whenever I was able to. I didn’t want to watch television or play video games or do things that were simple wastes of time. I genuinely had gained a love for people- the people in my life and for meeting new people. I started going to the Rock Church and volunteered for the children’s ministry. I honestly was worried that I wouldn’t have been selected to serve in the ministry because of my thick long hair and unshaved face, but it happened! Working with those kids was a breath of fresh air. Being able to see the kids sing and play with me and be there to cheer up those sad kids and hear them out about whatever was making them sad was quite phenomenal…definitely gave me great joy to my heart and a permanent smile on my face X)

Things got interesting as summer drew near. I was elected Chaplain for the Fall semester- my first ministry leadership position ever- and it was kinda weird knowing that my-ex girlfriend was wanting to talk again and ‘just be friends’- I did not give in. I knew there was something different in store for me.

And that’s when I got the email.

An email from a fraternity friend from another chapter who had offered several others the opportunity to be a temporary leader for a youth group missions trip to Costa Rica for a week during June. I was late to reply since my passport was MIA for close to 2weeks. But when I finally did find it, I replied and got a call from the youth pastor of the church and was interviewed over the phone…a week later a 2^nd interview was done and I had been told that I was selected to go. I had such a strong mix of emotions that I didn’t know how to feel other than just thinking- Thanks, God.

            My first missions trip with nothing needed to pay for. No fundraising, no sponsor letter writing, no car washing, nada…this opportunity just literally was given to me and it could not have been clearer as to this being God’s grace and blessing. Remember tho that I was still doing doing my Nazarite Vow. So let’s just say that the night before I flew out, I had my head and face all shaved clean. The Vow was done. I lost a few pounds in hair weight…but gained so much more.

Once again I began on a trend of being sent out traveling on my own to serve others and to serve God.

Flying out to Houston, Texas was my first exposure to the Lonestar state and to the church youth group that I never met before but was now a part of the leadership within it. WEIRD. But I was game. The next day we were flying out to Costa Rica…

To be concise, the week trip in Costa Rica was nothing short of amazing. The local people I met there were like distant relatives that I got to know and work with. The high school and middle school kids all loved me and surprised me with their actually witty sense of humors that I just fed off on- never knew that ghetto rap and hiphop was so big in Texas btw. The other leaders took me in and through all the hard work and service projects that we did while there, I felt part of the group.

Going back to the West Coast, I found myself working long hard days at a children’s summer day camp as a counselor and trying to prepare the best I could to serve as chaplain in the following semester. Well, working 40hours/week with children of all sorts in elementary school burned me out and made it tough to keep serving at the children’s ministry each Sunday. I suppose my ministry service was transitioning from kids to the college guys that I lived with in AGO. Starting the Fall semester and getting together with the exec guys was not bad. My main concern was with serving the spiritual needs of the house though it was tough to separate myself from the fact that I was not 100% in favor of certain standards/regulations that were set in place before me entering into that position- specifically in regards to drinking and smoking. I had to swallow my pride and bite my tongue many a time in order to keep the leadership unified. I did as much as I could that semester to really challenge the house towards spiritual growth and renewal through the bible studies, times of devotion and prayer, service events, etc. I definitely felt like I had to carry my own vision and passion to the guys at times since I felt few others were carrying the weight of helping me out- but it was a taste of pastoral leadership that I greatly needed. It was times like this that I most needed my friends and those ppl that I could just vent out to with no need to keep me on that ‘holy throne’ that I felt I needed to fill.

By the end of that semester, I was just wiped out. Tired of trying to make unity happen and just let whatever issues the house was undergoing to just run its course. I went back home to visit family for the holidays. And it was hard to believe how my youngest cousins had sprouted up over the 2 year+ period that I was away. During that winter break I seemed to get closer and get along better with my younger sister, my mom and dad. I had definitely changed! To this day I don’t see my entire family much; I do keep contact with my parents, brother, and sister but I guess staying in my hometown settling down wasn’t for me. I’m different from the rest in many ways. I clearly had a longer haul as far as my future went and I could not be happier…New years involved a random road trip up to SF with random ppl (including my ex) that was all initiated by my bigbro and others. I got involved somehow and ended up driving around all the bay area and ringing in 2009 at the apartment of a friend of a friend where drink flowed out of the keg and bottle like a desert rain. Being DD keep me clean from drink but it just blew my mind to think that a year ago I was under the Nazarite vow and avoided any alcohol association possible. I was completely fine with it tho cuz I had fun just getting to know the ppl… the end of 2008 was just the beginning of my mind and view on people and life to be widened more so than what I already thought it had been.

This is one of those years that I have a hard time believing that actually happened. The previous year was definitely just getting my feet wet for all that was to come in this year. No doubt that this year brought me the highest of highs but also the lowest lows…mind boggling to think that it all happened in one single year.

The start of 2007 came with a bang. I swapped my light and easy schedule to one that was filled with not just classes preparing me to study abroad in the Fall semester but now with a part-time job and relationships that I began to pour both time and energy into strengthening. I was a busy kid and had learned to better balance my studying with work and with maintaining a good social life. It was fun. A lot of good memories of late night hang outs with random people from the fraternity and sorority. I was putting a lot of attention towards building close friendships with guys and it was giving me a taste of what a Christian community actually looks like. The closest relationship that developed between me and Darko. We got along so well and were around each other so much that other ppl would combine our pldg names and call us ‘Dinko’ ;) Prv18:24 is the best way to describe just how close we became that spring semester and summer break. We actually worked together at CVS pharmacy- thanks to my bigbro for the reference. Working together was more like hanging out while stocking or doing cashiering. So much trash talk to say the least- but all in love. So it was the building of a family amongst me, Darko, and Suave. Closer than brothers indeed.

Not only was that summer a time of working at CVS and a first actually summer vacation that I spent much of it with my lil’bro, it was also the time when I actually started pursuing a girl towards a serious relationship. My relationship with Ping was very interesting. We did a lot together and it was fun going on the random adventures/roadtrips that we did. Fun times. But the timing was not the best. I have had the worst timing with most of my past relationships btw. I guess going off to study abroad for a year in Chile was going to make things interesting for the relationship that I had with Ping. Not only was it tough to leave her when the time came for us to part late that summer, it was even harder when things broke up suddenly about two months into my abroad semester. 

It seems like in the past, that the harder life was on me and the more shit I had to go through, the heavier the music I listened to became…rap rock, metal, punk, trash hardcore- a side of me that I had to deal with on my own as I sought understanding in all that I went through. It was my way of being able to relate with something that shared my great anger, frustration, angst, pain, and sadness that happens as you go through life and are learning about love. It just all spoke to me. Thank God I didn’t drink or smoke cuz I’m sure I would’ve gotten addicted very easily. I knew that I was not a drunk and that smoking wouldn’t do any good for me.  

Idk it was hard to go through stuff like that when being away from your closest friends. So I just kept it to myself since there was no one else that would understand or who would listen. It was actually during that time- Fall 2007- when I started blogging. Con Ganas, Huevon- a Spanish saying for ‘put some effort into it, punk’- was the first blog I created. I still kept a journal, but blogging became another outlet for me to unload and share (with the few that cared to read) what life was like for me.

Though much of the academic semester abroad was rough cuz of the different college system and teaching style, I found myself being blessed so much by finding and being welcomed into a tight community at a local church. Having other college-age ppl to be able to do things with and open up to was so vital for my overall well-being. I was relearning the lesson of needing people in my life to share with and confide in and that closing up to myself will only lead me to drowning in a downward spiral of misery. David Jachin, Mauro, Felipe, Guillermo- all brothers that kept me strong. Prayer and Fellowship. But make no mistake, that fall semester was still rough and brought with it plenty of trials. I am thankful for all of it though since it is all the pain, suffering, and scars that has helped me to get through in the end being stronger and knowing more about myself. Strength behind the scars.    

It finally was happening. I was on the road out of my hometown in Central California. It was as if the two years that I spent being back home- working, getting back on track with college, and above all else- getting the peace and comfort of God- it was all my rehab; a solitary confinement; A type of intervention that exposed the mess I was really in and helped me get things in tune to truly experience LIFE.

Way too much stuff happened this year; so much more in a year than ever before.

In a nutshell: God rocked my world.

I packed everything into my G20; all that I owned and need was packed into that little car. I drove down to San Diego.

Once again I found myself moving into dorms. Unlike the well supervised same-sex regulations and curfews for girl visits that I saw during my semester at TU, I was caught off guard to see guys and girls living together on the same floor and that my dorm room door was right across the hall from the girls restroom/shower area *insert a huge wide-eyed emoticon face HERE*

No doubt that partying and drinking was rampant. Drama and drunkenness was part of the nightly routine. Geez, no way I could mistake SDSU for TU at all. Vastly different schools and I was realizing that I was a different person that I was back in TU. Though there was endless opportunities and invites for me to join this party or to come hangout at some random persons house for beer pong, I was safeguarded from falling into those vices and bad spiritual environments since I knew that God had brought me to SDSU for something bigger and better than that. Back home, God grabbed hold of me and of my life. Now in San Diego, I was undoubtedly sure that He was calling me to find some on-campus organization or club that would connect me with good people whose lives were rooted in God as well…No long after, I had found it…not exactly what I had in mind- but I found it.

Going Greek and pledging Alpha Gamma Omega Fraternity (AGO) was crazy. A slap in the face that I truly needed to put me in my place…LMAO. Trust me when I say that it was all for the betterment of myself. Somehow I got through that Spring semester at SDSU though I was taking around 18 units (6 classes) and pledging AGO. I got nothing less than a B that semester and I didn’t quit pledging; so all was good. That summer I had registered for 15 units of classes- all of them for my International Business major- it sssssssssssssuckkkked. Oh so so bad did it suck going through semester after semester, working my butt off, and not having anytime for a real social life. I s’pose it took me a while to realize that college is more than just taking classes. That its all about the people you meet and making memories with those few special people that will turn into friends that I will have beyond my time as a student. Nope at that time I struggled to breakout of my shell and share life with others. But I needed that summer semester to burn me the heck out and for me to realize that there was something wrong when my life consisted of only classes, studying, working out, aand sleeping;)

The fall semester came and I was like ‘I’m gonna take it down a notch.’ It was during the Fall of 2006 when I actually was able to let people into my life and I found myself opening up…and soon after I left my lame structure and control and dove into the adventurous fun random life that blessed me with people and awesome memories.

All the guys in the fraternity saw me change from that lame pledge and into a funny random junior active. Haha. Before the end of that semester I had been assigned my first lil’bro Darko, went to a Sigma Kappa Date Dance dressed as a pirate, enjoyed my first active banquet, busted out dancing on a walk around for the sisters of ADX, smoked my first cigar, and seriously could not believe at how much my life had changed in less than a year. No longer a lost loner back in hometown territory; I now was free and discovering so much about myself through the blessing of letting others into my life who wanted to only build me up in following Christ.

As far as church went, I still frequented Sunday mass and was proud of my Catholic roots (though some guys in the fraternity were very critical about me being a Christian- I can’t stand that ignorant bs btw) and def had faith in Jesus and nothing else. I still didn’t know what exactly the future would hold- only that I would be studying abroad in 2007 in Chile for a year and hope to graduate the semester after that… No longer did this unknown and lack of complete control make me stress out or give me anxiety like it did before. If you asked me then and ask me know it’s the same answer- you just gotta have faith.  

The year before in ‘04- it was a struggle to breathe. The stress and anxiety and crap of starting from scratch after dropping out of a legit private 4yr University was behind me, Thank God. Starting ’05 was reassuring knowing that I had gotten back in the rhythm of taking classes and progressing toward transferring to a university somewhere else. But with school and academics all aside, there was another bigger life-changing reassurance that I had been craving for all through last year.

An epiphany. 

A life revelation that smacked me in the face, heart, and soul. 

Truth.

There just came a time during late in 2004 and that went into early 2005 where I asked myself- 

These probing questions unearthed the true reality of what was so messed up inside of me. It helped me to tear out that cancer of insecurity and fear of living in an uncertain world that isn’t so comfortable. This all stemmed from the sad reality of me seeking in people what they could not give me. In people I was seeking love, attention, trust, comfort, care, encouragement, acceptance, guidance, and so many other things. It took me up until this time in my life to understand that people can not fulfill you…

People can not fulfill you with an abundant life!

So I looked to just go it alone. Rely on myself. It worked for a while but that’s not the way I was able to be happy- just go it alone in my little shell. I’ve been there and done that. It gets you no where and alone…

What then? 

What else was left? 

If not people, and if I couldn’t do it own my own- what the heck is there left to do?...

Silence…

Nothing but silence.

…and that’s when I stopped hearing myself and the enemy that plagued my mind.

In the weakest point, when I couldn’t figure it out…I noticed my Catholic Youth Bible that I had since 7^th grade. And opening it up and reading through the psalm poerty… that’s when it hit me. 

That’s when Gods Word hit me the hardest I’ve ever been hit before… 

So damn hard that I teared up and wept like never before… It was Him.

God, my Father, the Lord and Maker of everything that called me to Him.

And all I heard in my heard was His voice-

I felt just like a little kid, who was left for missing in a huge mall, desperately looking for his parents after wandering off. And then suddenly, when you stop moving and searching for them…you hear your dad’s voice call out for you… and all that weight of worry and fear is lifted off your shoulders when you see him and you run and embrace him with no words to say and all you know is- that it’s all going to be okay... you are safe.

When God spoke to me and embraced me as his broken child, my life changed. From the inside out. I had joy in my life because of my growing faith in God. He gave me hope and love and encouragement and comfort and everything that I had previously looked for in people and in myself. I was happy with my job, with going to school, and I spread it all onto my family. They definitely noticed things were getting better for me when I started smiling and laughing a lot more than before. Not only that, I began to get healthier and slowly, I gained mass and weight... The best feeling was seeing my mom overjoyed to see that I was getting better.

From that point of transforming revelation and on into the rest of the year- doors of opportunity started popping open for my future. During the summer break, I could not get San Diego State out of my head. Already set on majoring in International Business (I loved Anthropology, world cultures, and traveling but wanted something with some practical career application beyond teaching or field research) I was split between UCSD- but it seemed too hippie for me;) APU- but it seemed to be just like TU and I didn’t want to pay thousands more for a more ‘comfy’ college life aaand SDSU- ghetto but sunny lol! and they had a nationally ranked study abroad program in Int’l Business.  So I focused on SDSU and applied for admission as a Spring 2006 transfer. In late summer I got a letter back from the admissions office regarding my application. I opened it and found out I had gotten…DENIED.

Uugggggggghh. It sucked. It sucked big donkey balls. But I didn’t let it go. I knew and was sure that I had all the classes that I could take at the community college all done- whatever requirements remained I had to take there directly at SDSU. Like a heartbroken teenager- which I was!- I wanted to know WHY I was shut down…(why don’t you want me SDSU like I want you?...haha) I called and sent a letter of petition that stated my case…and I applied to the Fall transfer admission but that would leave me missing out on 6months+ of school since I had no other classes that I could take for my major…and time passed on…and I began to just accept that I was going to change my plans for school. Soon after that I received another letter in the mail from SDSU Admissions. So I opened it up and saw that it was a letter. A letter of acceptance for SDSU- and it was bitter sweet- cuz’ I just knew that it was for the Fall semester. And I read it over again…Spring 2006. I couldn’t believe it! I seriously couldn’t. So before I got too excited, I called to make sure that it wasn’t a typo. Talking with an advisor that personally reviewed my petition and application, she confirmed with me that it was for Spring semester;)… THANK YOU GOD ALMIGHTY!!...hhhhhhaleujah...

There was a goof up with a class that I had not completed yet but would be taking the Fall semester right before Spring.

Once I saw the light of leaving home and entering SDSU in 2006, I gained tunnel vision. I was focused. I knew exactly where I was going. I knew that it was God that had lighted the way and pointed me on that path to SDSU and that He has graciously opened the door for me to go. For the first time in my life, I had a clear vision of where I was going in the future. I worked my butt off that Fall semester, enjoyed the holidays with my big family like I never had before (work hard, party harder;) and finished 2005 feeling like a new person...WORD. 

And so, I greeted the spring of 2004 no longer a college student, but rather as a high school graduate who was still living at home, unable to take any classes at the community college because of the past registration deadline, had no real clue where to go for school or what to study, and was in need of a job. This was the last place I wanted to be in life after graduating high school. I was ashamed, confused, and utterly lonely. It was at this stage of life that I found myself living my greatest fear that I still have today- the creeping sense of hopelessness.