12212010; The Energy Never Dies.

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, December 21, 2010

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Change is constant. The constant change I undergo is deeply ingrained within my life. Not that I am unstable but rather I am continually growing and experiencing new things. This can be confusing to some people who try to understand; yet I don't think many people will ever fully understand me. Maintaining energy for life and pushing forward with hope and faith is what I live for. There is a lot to worry about and I choose not to worry about those things. Neglecting to be thankful and grateful for what I have now is the worst thing I can do to myself and to those closest to me. I now find myself in a place where I want to dig my roots deep and commit. Commit to a serious relationship, career, and find more about myself.

It rains and rains; but it can't rain every day. I have had things fall apart before and know the feeling of a wave crashing into you so hard that it knocks you down to your hands and knees. Yet the tide changes and a steady flow comes around. And this is when your steps grow stronger and you can go deeper into the blue. And the strength and hope comes from knowing that its love between me and you.


 

Someday you're wondering if you're really gonna make it

Sometimes you wanna know if there's anyone to save ya

I know you came down before, like underneath the ground

Still got a little chance to turn it all around

Just know your time will come, so give it all you got

Don't stop believin, so give it all you got

Got, got, got, got...

~Will.i.am

My Prayer

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, October 26, 2010

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10/26/10

I wrote down a prayer yesterday. It has been a while since I have done so. This is how it goes:

This Is My Prayer: My gracious and loving Father, I ask that you may fill me with your peace, strength, and love to move in your power rather than my own. My circumstance is heavy and only you Father can help me endure and persevere under the weight of this world. Grant me boldness and confidence to know that You are with me and that I am your son. May nothing else, no one else- including my very self- convince me otherwise. Whatever I may be doing, wherever I may be, remind me that you are with me and that you go before me. That you are at each house that I visit, that you are at each presentation, that you are guiding me. I know I can make an impact in the lives of the people that I see and interact with. Make me an encourager amongst the downcast, an uplifter of the fallen, a loving friend to the lonely. May people see my genuine heart and soul as I meet them and share about myself and life. I want my smile and kindness to lighten up the days of everyone else around me. In those times and moments where I find myself losing my patience and my peace, help me Lord to stop, breathe, and align myself under your power and peace that I need to love and succeed. There's so much that I dream to do and accomplish. I'm not weak, a loser, or a failure. I'm not these things because I'm your son and I want to keep you in my heart and in my life. I am strong. I am bold. I am confident. I am unashamed of who I am.The learning and  growing never stops. There will be falls. There will be flops. Yet all I know is that my Father God is with me wherever I may go.

In thy strength, AMEN.   

Gently

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Friday, October 22, 2010

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10/22/10

There's too much to tell. New career, new location, new challenges, etc...
Its like the seasons that flow in and out. There are things that do remain constant though- they matter the most to me.
The time now is a growing time. A growing time for that which is to come. I want to provide for more than just myself.
I want to push and dig deep to reach new ground and strength.
To stay afloat on the water- you just lay there; but to go deep into the below abyss you will encounter what you can't see in yourself and what the weak will always miss.  

The pursuit of happiness is not easy.
Work you ass off.
Do or do not- there is No try.
Just Breathe. Just Believe.

counterfeit

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Sunday, August 15, 2010

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08/15/10

Discovering the true character of people that I have known for a while. Seems like mask wearing is all the rave nowadays. It shall be interesting to see whether the mask show continues when I return or if people will be to show true face. Regardless of what it be- they are not fooling me or anyone else. 


Dreaming

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Sunday, July 25, 2010

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7/25/10

It is less than a month until I return to the U.S. I am looking into the possibility of making a couple of stops on the way back home. Having the opportunity to see my one and only pledge bro as well as my one and only blood brother must be taken advantage of. Letting it pass me by will leave me feeling as if I’m missing out on an opportunity that may never come my way again. I have learned much in these many weeks that have passed by quickly. How shall I start?... 
Those who know me well will know of my liking to Limp Bizkit (love them or hate them you can’t deny that the band has some major balls to still be doing what they are doing) Which leads me to quote Re-Arranged:

Lately I've been skeptical 
 Silent when I would used to speak 
 Distant from all around me 
 Who witness me fail and become weak 
 Life is overwhelming 
 Heavy is the head that wears the crown 
 I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down

Seems like a lot of what is done is all about the externals; about what we are seen as, about what we do, about looking like we are doing the right thing. This place fails to see the heart of anything; being limited to the five senses. You slip and fall to see yourself losing the crown that was once yours. Humbled and embarrassed. After you get back up and dust yourself off you will surely find yourself making sure that each next step is firmly taken. But yet there will still be that outside pressure to knock you off balance. That pressure to make you look bad. Without a strong heart and head, you’ll find yourself back down on the ground trying to rise before the final count. I realize that you can’t just rely on the appearance of things. ‘do not judge a book by its cover’ not just in terms of  negative judgment but also in terms of positive judgment. It is just as harmful to think of someone or something as too highly or holy as when thinking the worst of someone on a first impression. Thank God for discernment.
Though I am enjoying the many new people that I meet every week, I greatly look forward to the new season that will soon start 1 month from now. And I know that I need to be present in the moments- I’m not saying that I’m not. I suppose I have been dreaming more lately; dreaming about living and working in America’s Finest City; dreaming about the hanging out with the bros, dreaming about the cool nights, and mostly dreaming about my girl.

Time will pass. 
But I can’t pass up that which I can do today. 
Keep on strong. 
Keep ya head up. 
There’s a time for everything. 

Much love and respect. 

get low and stay low

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, June 12, 2010

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I have no idea of what this post will be about. I'm just going off this feeling of wanting to blog; its therapeutic I suppose... I have to go parable status right now- what happens when a tree branch gets too long and gets in the way of a trail or path that is nearby? when a child gets out of line and throws a loud tantrum that disrespects the authority of the parents, what should be done? when a small barking dog doesn't back down from confronting a larger stronger dog, what'll happen?
the branch will get trimmed down to its appropriate size/length.
the child will be disciplined and made to shut up.
the small dog not knowing when to be quiet and settle down will be enlightened of its role in comparison to the bigger dominate dogs of the pack.

Everything has its place and its role. Everyone who thinks they are something that they are not, will be put in their place- either by the easy way or by the hard way. Simply said- you'll be humbled if you aren't already. Major reminder to be humble rather than to be humbled when you aren't careful with what you say to someone you love. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I would rather be beaten bloody than to make someone I love deeply cry and feel hurt because of something I said or did to them...
I used to say that I had no regrets.
But I now regret those times where I had done this.
I wish I would've just kept my mouth shut and did nothing at all.
And a lot of the time is stems from thinking you are bigger and better than someone else.
Why do we hurt those that we love the most?

Get low and stay low. That way you can only be lifted up by others.

I thank God for His forgiveness, grace, peace, and love.

live yo life

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Wednesday, June 09, 2010

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SDC14389, originally uploaded by ChristianDink.

I am a firm believer that life is not truly life with out people. We were not created to be alone and solitary individuals. Only God knows how long exactly Adam was left solo before Eve came to be his companion in the Garden of Eden but I don't think that it was for very long.
The start of the summer months in the U.S. brings me back to seeing old friends from returning missions trips and making new friends with those people on their first missions trip with Strong Missions. Regardless if I am working with old friends or meeting new people, it all is a huge reminder that my job revolves around people. Without people and interacting with them, I would definitely be less passionate and motivated to do the work that I do... that's assuming that I would still have a job.
I thank God for all the people in my life. God created people, uses people, and reveals a bit of Himself through people. And just like God built up people; we can not forget the power we each have to build up and encourage one another. The photograph above I captured while walking around San Jose with friends and it embodies the beauty of having each other. Having a brother, a sister, a mother, a father, a lover that is there for you and who you care about. A self-serving life is no life at all. I repeat, a self-serving life is no life at all...just think about it and wonder why sooner or later all those wealthy celebrities end up choosing to end their lives despite the riches they've amassed and that has left them alone and paranoid... That's not life. It's a downward spiral that leaves the person dead though they made still be physically alive. We are called to serve. To serve God and to serve one another. And the blessing and reward is the love and relationships that are produced from it all; and that's the start of life.

thinkin

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Wednesday, June 02, 2010

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Jaco, originally uploaded by ChristianDink.
I swung a pick ax for the first time in a long time today at one of the work sites with a group. Other than being exhausted, breathless, and feeling as if I'm habitual chain smoker- it left me with part of my hand with torn that is characteristic of a typical blister... ugh it burns when I type...

My boss tells us (the rest of the staff) from time to time that:
'we do holy work, but we are not holy people...' I mostly agree with his statement; mostly with the truth that we are all under God's grace and far far from any type of perfection being the sinners that we all are. Yet it blows my mind and humbles me tremendously when God's grace falls on me and He chooses to use me to do something to allow his glory to shine. I'm not a pastor or a holy man. But I am starting to understand better what His grace is and what His love is since I don't deserve any of these blessings that He passes on to me. Randomly I read a certain bible scripture earlier today:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-JER29:11
Always when asked what lies ahead for me in the future- no way that I can really tell details of what exactly will happen. All I really know is what's going on now and what I have gone through to bring me to what I am doing now.
More and more I am reminded that God is using me here. I can't be closed up. I can't be blind...



open your eyes to see by faith
open your heart to live by love
open your mind to think of God
who is always by your side.

Mr. Moonlight

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Monday, May 31, 2010

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Mr. Moonlight, originally uploaded by ChristianDink.

Mr.Moonlight...
You came to me one summernight, and from your beam you made my dream,
And from the world you sent my girl, and from above you sent us love
And now she is mine, I think you`re fine,
'cause we love you, Mr.Moonlight
Mr.Moonlight, come again please
Here I am on my knees, begging if you please
And the nights you don't come my way, I'll pray and pray more each day 'cause we love you, Mr.Moonlight...

Wayfarer

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Friday, May 28, 2010

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HELP!

Posted by Christian | Posted in , , , | Posted on Wednesday, May 19, 2010

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Taking a trip back to Spring 2007. 
Me, Darko, and Lalo. 
First time doing karaoke.
Enjoy:)

The Special Seven

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Thursday, May 13, 2010

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As I sit here in the front room of the main house, with the fan blowing directly at me, sipping on a cold Imperial, and the telly turned on showing a movie in English with Spanish sub-titles (I can't tolerate dubbing at all), I am just in this state of peace and contention. It has honestly been a while since I could really say that I was completely fine with life lately. I guess being on 'vacation' from groups for more than a month now and really just having to occupy myself trying to figure out having a life here has kept me in a semi-funk state- for lack of a better term. And since Bethany left last Sunday after being with me for a week of pure happiness/joy, I definitely felt discouraged and on real shaky ground. I can just say that I was beyond frustrated with my situation of life right now and could not wait to leave this SuckTown LOL (its a huge blessing to be able to laugh about it now btw)
...seriously God spoke to me through the guy who has always always been there for me since I was a grubby little kid and who I will never again for taking him for granted. That love and wisdom and attention that he expressed to me reminded me of all the times past when he was there for me- in my weakest moments as a person. Given a few days later of praying, writing, talking openly with the other few people that I love and trust dearly,  going into the city, going to a local gym, being with the people, interacting with complete strangers, and simply putting things into perspective with regards to all the shit I've gone through in my past... and my prayers were answered. For the first time in a long time, I reached a solid state of peace and of being content with life...
For those of you who cared, listened, and prayed- Thank you so much... Only God knows how much you've kept a brother strong in a time of trial, growing, and learning.

I can't keep this to myself and feel the need to share a message to seven special people who have been there for me in so many ways since I left the 619...

1) Papi- every time I talk to you and share about whatever I've been up to, you never fail to let me know how much you are proud of me and how much you love me. I feel like I understand you more and have a greater understanding of your life by being able to be in Latin America and see all that you have told me of your ghetto childhood firsthand;) Te quiero, papi.
2) Mami- Just like to papi, I understand so much more of the life you led before coming to the U.S. with papi. I now see just how huge the sacrifice of leaving your career as a judge was and it humbles me to see the immense blessing that it has had on me, cesar, and sandra. I love hearing you laugh and thank you for always listening to whatever problems I share with you. Te quiero, mami.
3) Cesar- you are the man who has always always been there for me in tough times. You have helped and challenged me so so much since I left H.S. Though we've been separated a lot of the time by distance and I am so honored to have an older brother like you that is full of character and conviction and compassion. Thanks for not feeding me bullshit and for telling it all like it is. Blood before anything else. I love you.
4) Sandra- oh gosh lol. How things changed in our relationship once I left to college. I remember being so annoyed be you when I still lived at home- but now you never fail to make me bust out laughing when I see you and talk to you. You are such an awesome little sister and I love your open-mindedness to life as you are embarking on the start of experiencing real college life on your own. I love you and look forward to going out with you again lol....WOW BYYYEEEEEEE!....
5) My AGO family line/ Los DirtyGhettoReds/ SuaVeDarko, Fifa, Striker, and Jammers;)- you all make me happy and so proud as I have seen each of you grow and mature and open up more to me and each other. Each one of you make me thank God for my time in AGO as an active and I've realized that you are all my Proverbs18:24 AGO brothers. Thanks for not forgetting about me. Stay close and stay proud! I love you all:) Strong The Ties.
6) All my friends that I made in SD- each one of you, no matter if I known you for just months or for several years, you've all helped me become this guy I am today and have kept me strong as I try to figure God's will. And whether it be as small as my only pledgebro commenting on one of my fcbk photos, or someone else just asking how I'm doing here in CR, it all is powerful and I have so much love and respect for each of you- you know who you are...
7) My girlfriend Bethany- it was so random how we crossed paths to actually start talking the way we did but I have no doubt that God knew what He was doing when He made it all happen and put you in my life. I loved having you with me in Costa Rica and it definitely spoke louder than words when you never failed to meet me halfway. Thank God for Skype cuz' I know we would not be together without it helping us to talk and grow closer. I miss you and I really look forward to see your face in SD..................... p.s. I Love You;)



Tis' all for now.
PEACE and Pura Vida.


(a separate older untitled post)


waiting.

waiting. 

waiting. 

My life has been full of this. 

Why should this be any different?... Maybe because it is so different.

feeling the embrace in the rain

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, April 24, 2010

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Sitting outside of the house as I type. The afternoon rain is starting to let up and has left everything wet and cooler than it was during the warm humid morning. All is refreshed. My mind as well; seems like I think clearer when the weather gets cooler and the day gets darker. Nothing against the day, its the quiet stillness of the evening and night that can make anyone be more introspective... right?
Seems as though I am finding more peace with each passing day. More peace of my place here on this big plot of land that I have got all to myself- and the rain pours down again.
Away from home. Away from much control. I see that I have been here before. I used to think that I'm missing out on a lot. But more now its seeing how I have deafened myself to what is around me in this town. That loose restraint that I felt keeping me tied down and from moving around... I have discovered it to be a comfort embrace. An embrace for strength. An embrace for peace. An embrace of love. It is in the stillness of keeping still that you can receive it all. In keeping myself low and hollow, that is how I can feel that powerful embrace that my God wants to give me. And in that embrace is when I see and feel that He is really all I need- and the rain has let up again.

self photographer

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Friday, April 23, 2010

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A Very Religious Man

Posted by Christian | Posted in , , | Posted on Sunday, April 04, 2010

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I used to believe that I was a very religious person. And growing up as a Catholic, that's exactly what I was. A religious kid. Completing most of the traditional Catholic sacraments, attending Sunday Mass, the frequent confession with a priest, doing all of the physical motions and gestures that made me feel like God was well pleased with me- it was all second nature to me. Just something you did if you were Catholic. Jesus was always shown as beaten bloody and dead on the cross- either on the altar or near it (in those churches that displayed a statue/image of the Virgin Mary in the center of the wall behind the altar instead of Jesus in the center).
I can say now that I knew a lot about Jesus growing up, but I didn't know him as my savior and Lord of my life. I had my 'religion' but did I have faith?... not so much.
I'm so thankful that I was able to break bonds from my religious life and see that Jesus is alive and active and not simply embodied as a skinny blood corpse having on a cross.
_
_
_

It seems that every time I am in Central or South America (I've only been to Colombia, Chile, Costa Rica, and Argentina) I am reminded of the distorted view of God that is portrayed by the Catholic church...its depressing, frustrating, yet convicting...
So many of the people around here know about Jesus, the Virgin Mary, the Saints, the Catholic Mass and its traditions, etc...but I honestly dont care nor am I worried about knowing about the Catholic Church. Its when I get to know local people who just know about Jesus and what He did for all mankind that gets to me.
Only God knows the true hearts of people- yet when people take the time to get on bended knee to pray in front of an altar dedicated to a catholic saint or to the Virgin Mary yet they aren't bothered to seek Jesus- I can only deduce that they are missing the point.
Like I mentioned already, only God knows whether someone truly believes or is just playing the superficial religion game. Nonetheless, I wish that the Catholic Church, with all of its power and influence, would preach the LIFE and LOVE that Christ was crucified for and RESURRECTED from death to offer us a new life.
Religion. Religious people. It's everywhere here. And though I see it everywhere, I am convicted of the amount of faith that I personally have in God. Convicted on the times that I find myself being icy cold rather than striving to be a boiling hot drink of faith that gives God control over my life.
I'm just in a very interesting spot in life right now where I feel like I have left to fend for myself. In a holding cell. I easily feel confined because I'm away from my beloved friends and family. And some may say, 'look on the brightside!...' but the reality is that its hard to get really close with anyone here since they either come and go within a weeks time (groups) or they have other they just aren't able to be around because of other commitments they have (family, commuting, work). There's a lot of highs and lows that I face. And its def challenging to be encouraged when there is no one physically with me to be an encourager.
This all has been a learning experience. Learning more about myself, learning more about love, learning more about God in my life, and learning that life is gonna throw kicks and punches at you all the time... that only way to move forward to your goals and dreams is by taking some heavy hits and coming back strong trying to block whatever tries to throw you off your path; like a boxing match. Keep ya head up, feet strong, and focused on winning each round.

What would life be like if God was truly dead?... If you ask me, there would be nothing. All would be just deadness. No life, hope, love.

But you know what?...

Christ lives and Christ saves. Nietzsche died. God never did. He is love and His agape love never will die... 

Happy Easter everyone. 

God be with you all.

A fellow lefty

Posted by Christian | Posted in , , | Posted on Saturday, March 27, 2010

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If he could do it, so can I... Once again, I'm inspired.

Speechless

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Thursday, March 25, 2010

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2 missions groups so far this month. Next group comes this Saturday afternoon- goin out downtown that night with friends to celebrate my friend Daniels birthday; I'm too excited. 
Then the following Sunday another group comes- each staying for a week. 
Around mid-April I'll be hopefully traveling up to Nicaragua for a short vacation with Pastor Ponce and some other guys. I had a blast with the Ponce's earlier this month when we headed up to Liberia and checked out the rodeos and beaches. I'm sure it will be a fun and random adventure in Nicaragua which is supposedly not as safe nor expensive as Costa Rica. But I have always been very distrusting with strangers and traveling around unknown territory. Not enough of a threat to keep me from traveling there with people I know and trust.
I am hoping that time passes quick and that the month of May arrives before I know it... geez, I've never wanted May to come as fast as I do now:) 
Never has anyone traveled to come see me while was away from the States. 
And yet Bethany and my sister are both coming during May to just see me and hangout around my favorite spots in Costa Rica. Though I have traveled to many vacation places in the country with the groups, being with these special girls will definitely make it all memorable to say the least... 
worth the wait. I know it will be worth the wait haha!
And not only that, my 'fratbro' Johnnie will be coming also to intern all summer long with us here at Strong Missions. Strong The Ties.
It's such a huge and much needed blessing to have a brother come and serve with me here. It's a beautiful and amazing thing how being greek seriously has impacted my life so much.
I don't really know what to say. I'm just speechless when I think about how all these things to come in May are what I truly need to keep strong and encouraged.
I'll be waiting.

a bit of insight from Jay-Z

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Friday, March 19, 2010

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...


Forever young 

I wanna be Forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever forever?...



Forever young 
I wanna be Forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever forever?...


Fear not where, fear not why, fear not much while we're alive
Life is for living not living uptight
Until you're somewhere up in the sky 


...

I Wanna Be Sedated

Posted by Christian | Posted in , , , , | Posted on Thursday, March 11, 2010

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The Suffering; 2Corinthians 12:7-10


Yeah!... I did it.

Did it hurt? not as much as I thought it would have.
Let's just say that my tattoo artist, Bob, was blown away at how I didn't nudge or slow him down while he carved up my right ribcage for two hours.

What is it? Its a personal design that I had already sketched out for a while now.
3 main elements:
The X- a sign of the cross (la cruz de San Andres- my middle name), a sign for past scars, X marks the spot of a sensitive area, that thorn in the flesh that Paul writes about in 2Cor, a target for the enemy.
The Crown of thorns- Christ, His pain and suffering while wearing it throughout His path to the cross, the crown of pain and weakness.
The 3 differently blossomed roses- the love of God that is found when suffering for His sake and glory, growth, beauty, power, hope, the Holy Trinity... and so much more.

Finishing up the time I have off from groups has been kind of a drag honestly. I'm in a small rural town by myself most of the time. no car and not many ppl to hangout with. What else can I say?
I am more thankful for cable TV and for the internet than ever before and especially Skype.
I never really expected this from missions work but I really didn't have prior expectations other than to work and serve... and right now its all mostly need to keep self-motivated to do office work. And today was the first time where I really experienced 'cabin fever' in the little office room where I have been trying to stay focused...

'hurry hurry hurry! before I go insane.
I can't control my fingers.
I can't control my brain.
oh oh oh oh oh OH!'

Seasons of seasons. Life is full of these seasons.I guess I'm thankful that I'm never stuck in a season for too long. I love change and variety. Whether is be the changing weather, a new movie that just came out, or meeting a whole new group of people. I dig change. I need it.
Saturday should be a fun night of going out with friends to a local karaoke bar/club... and without a doubt, I will be looking up those old school love jams and Beatles singles :)

With all of its highs, lows, laughs, and oh no's; life ain't a thing without love. none like the love from God above.

Just Your Typical Conservative Christian

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Sunday, March 07, 2010

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...this be me?
me I am not.

I rarely post a blog entry the day after I have just put one up.
But- I seriously have just spent the best Sunday so far of this year.

So call me simple to please and entertain but spending the day with the Strong Family just hanging out and enjoying some Texas BBQ was priceless. And just like my time with the Ponce family, this group of people had nothing to hide and genuinely accepted me into their home and into their family.
People, relationships, and community are so so vital and I cherish the times that I can be part in all of these things now more than before- when it was so easy and convenient to be with friends.
I don't know why exactly, but I have been seeing more and more that people easily open up to me- not right away, but after having a few good conversations and hangouts. (I have no idea what you would call that ability or personal characteristic- I'm personable, trusting, approachable?...idk) But to hear someone share what's bothering them or random stuff that they wouldn't tell to just anyone- it all makes me feels welcomed into to that persons life and really feel the trust and respect that the give me by putting themselves out there like that.
Honestly, I feel that me being more liberal-minded as a Christian has helped me to interact with people in those vulnerable ways. I never did think of myself as a liberal-minded before; I suppose because before I was surrounded by so many like-minded people.
But seeing the great conservative nature of the church in Costa Rica (for the most part)- I quickly knew that I am a misfit X)... which puts me in an interesting situation in terms of really getting plugged into a church around here. I know I 'should'. But I sometimes wonder how well it would work if the churches nearby are a bit too conservative for me.
I know this much for sure though...my church community is not going to be found inside of a physical church building that congregates on Sundays. Nope. Already in the way that this year has been and will be, I am quite confident that my church community will revolve around a great deal of random interacts and time spent with the different people that I will find myself with throughout my time here. But all the while, I shall hold dear those few tight relationships that I have back on the West Coast.

It is different. And I like that.

I Love You All

.

HISTORY

Posted by Christian | Posted in , , , | Posted on Saturday, March 06, 2010

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Getting away from the usual routine. Breaking away from the mundane. Doing things differently. However deep or superficial you want to slice it- it all applies. 
Since almost two weeks ago, I have been taken on an awesome adventure with the most dysfunctional yet loving family. And amidst all the bickering, whining, complaining, and accidents that I witnessed firsthand during that week-long vacation trip, I felt the love and felt welcomed in as part of the Ponce familia. One of the greatest things that I learned to love about them all was their transparent and genuine attitude that was not focused on trying to make everything look alright and pretty. It was crystal clear that they, just like any 'normal' family, has their issues and problems. They were upfront about it all and honest to tell me how despite all their problems they deeply loved and cared for each other...Legitimate. 
I respect that attitude... simply because that is how I look at it. Being a transparent person is a blessing that I have in my life and can't think of putting up a front to make others think that I am something that I am not. I prefer to be raw rather than part of the typical...too bad there is not a greater majority of people that can say the same thing. 
History is made when you do something different. All the ppl and events in the history of man that standout from the rest because of the very fact that they were all different and left an impact. I want my history to be one where I make an impact on other people because I did things differently. Like I mentioned already, I'm not a fan of the typical...and I'm not a typical person in many ways.

I'm asking and praying for hope and faith to keep pushing forward. To not hesitate or worry so much. To continue being open to living my life to its fullest; to take risks and to do things I have never done before. To keep loving and learning what it means to love.
And just like I just did a huge recap on the last 7years of my life in the previous posts, I want to look back on the life I lead 10 years from now- and say 'wow, thanks God for always being there and carrying me through'.

No Regrets. None at all.

MMIX- Shoots and Ladders

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Thursday, February 25, 2010

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            It is one thing to hear and be told what it feels like to jump out of a plane, to burn your hand, to break a bone, to be in love, etc. But it is a whole other thing to actually go and do it yourself.

I guess that is how I can really explain the start of 2009. Right from the get-go, I found myself in completely new environments, situations, and interactions with people that I had not done before. Such as going out to a club to hangout with a friend and their other friends, meeting ppl outside of San Diego and driving out to meet them, or just simply being around a different crowd of people that extended beyond the safety net feel of the AGO community. This new change of scenery taught me so much more than I thought I had bargained for. Conversations and shared memories with people my age helped me to definitely see the reality of people living life without having a regular church or Sunday service is the usually structure for someone who calls themselves a Christian. It was interesting to see the reaction of people who would find out that I believe in Jesus and am a Christian guy since I was in places that ‘church’ or ‘religion’ usually aren’t found or even mentioned- more shocking was that they treated me no differently than before not knowing about my faith or ‘religion’- if anything, they would ask questions and share about their experience with the church and what not. Compared to my Christian friends, I felt somewhat like a black sheep or a renegade Christian- especially since the semester before I was Chaplain and always tried to be there for everyone. Though my new perspective and passion to be with people may have caused me to hangout less with some of them, those few close brothers still remained there for me. And that’s life I guess. I realized that I can’t be friends with everyone or be close with them. And I came to understand that the church should not be bound to a building or that people who belong to the church should just stay in their comfy church bubble where it’s rare to find someone who is not a Christian in just regular life…
I wouldn’t admit it at the time, but I didn’t make the best of decisions during this last semester of my college career. I started talking with my ex again. I had decided to give her a 2nd chance and to put my trust in her again since the 1st time we were together we broke up when I was away from the country on my semester abroad…And before not too long, we were together again. Despite almost all the people I had talked to about the situation and had expressed great concern and worry for me, I didn’t let their wisdom and insights get to me…

Who was right?:
The entire crowd of people on the beach seeing the ship sinking fast or
The ship’s blind architect next to them who said it was still floating strong?

Mmmhhhhhmm. LOL. I apparently learn the hard way. Just as with everything in my life I thank God to still be able to look back on everything and laugh. Some things might take longer to laugh at than others, but given enough time and understanding, I can laugh at it all and not regret a single thing.
Truly by God’s grace, I finished the semester but it was quite the fight. I remember one night at work during finals week (I had gotten a job at a sushi restaurant in January) my boss had asked if I was feeling alright or stressed- I guess that pressure of finally being done with school started to show itself on my face.
And so the start of summer came along. I decided to intern for Strong Missions, the missions org that I had worked with during the previous years missions trip. I spent 5 weeks there working, translating, and traveling with the missions groups that came from the U.S. I loved the work I was doing. And it wasn’t just the work, it was the people that I worked with and the relationships that it help me establish. Returning back was hard but I knew that I very much needed to be working my summer job and at the sushi restaurant. 2 jobs each day, about 5 days a week. Nuts. I was on average working 55hrs+ every week. Crazy.
With summers end however, I found a lot more time to chill and relax and actually realize that I wasn’t a student anymore; an interesting time of transition. By October, I had found out that I would have the opportunity to get a full-time position working with Strong Missions as a Program Coordinator. Keeping contact with Charlie, the director from Dallas but now living in Costa Rica, got me excited to know that I’d be able to travel, serve, and earn income all with the job offered that he presented me with. It didn’t take long to accept since I had no other career plans in sight. I’d give it a try- no binding contract so I dove right on in.
The couple months left prior to my departure to Costa Rica, was just focused on being with friends and hanging out as much as possible. It was awesome. Fun times indeed. Unexpectedly I got offered to go free to a Lady Gaga concert in December that definitely left an impression on me. When I thought nothing major would happen during the little time left, I see that I have a truck load waiting for me. Expecting to make a swift exit, I get handed a rose. A rose for the road that has helped me along the way…






\\\

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Wednesday, February 24, 2010

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orginally Uploaded on February 2, 2008
by Luca Napoli (Flickr)

MMVIII- Something Like Samson

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, February 23, 2010

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*just one more year left!... I want to finish this series up already. LMAO.*

 If you could compare the ridiculousness of a year to how funny a comedian is- 2008 easily caused me to die laughing. Starting this year floating along the deep southern Pacific Ocean on a ghetto cargo ship with my primo Giovanni- I would have never even imagined that the year would have ended the way it did- being completely sober on Haight Street, San Francisco inside a crowded top story apartment full of intoxicated people.

haha…
I will try my best to enlighten how this all came about.

Welp, about the first half of January found me and Gio backpacking all throughout Southern Chile/Argentina. Like mentioned previously, I’m glad that I was able to be tired, lost, hungry, confused, happy, and overjoyed all with someone else that was in the same boat that I was in... a cargo ship to be exact;) After all the hiking and traveling and random adventuring that we both did, I learned so much about not just the southern part of South America, but I definitely learned just how much we all have in common with people…and yet it’s the itty-bitty differences that cause us to be separate and discriminate oh so easily.
I was guilty of this very thing. I saw it in myself. I did not like it.

San Diego. 
Returning back to SD after 6 months of separation was like being reunited with your best friends…well that’s exactly what it was. After being tackled down to the ground by my pledgebro upon entering the AGO house, I was welcomed back by all the guys and asked so much about my time away. My favorite quote upon my arrival was exclaimed by my pledgebro- Dink, you look…UGLY!- aaand he was right I guess LOL. I mean during most of the half year of being away in Brown America, I decided to not cut my hair, to not shave, and to not drink a drop of alcohol. I based it off of the Nazarite Vow- a spiritual discipline that is found in the bible and I was compelled to do it for a time until I knew that it was right for me to clean up; a step of faith that I chose to take in order to help separate myself from the effects of all the crap that happened to me while away and to gain more sensitivity to God’s Spirit and voice…
Beyond my physical appearance, I felt different. My friends noticed it too. It was a heightened spiritual maturity that I had gained. The strength behind the scars that I now bore had granted me some crazy wisdom and I just was able to speak into peoples lives easily when I hung out with them and they opened up about their problems and issues. For the first time in a long time, I definitely felt at peace; like a monk or something. Just at peace and worry-free about most everything. I just wanted to be in prayer all the time and to know what God was doing in their lives whenever I was able to. I didn’t want to watch television or play video games or do things that were simple wastes of time. I genuinely had gained a love for people- the people in my life and for meeting new people. I started going to the Rock Church and volunteered for the children’s ministry. I honestly was worried that I wouldn’t have been selected to serve in the ministry because of my thick long hair and unshaved face, but it happened! Working with those kids was a breath of fresh air. Being able to see the kids sing and play with me and be there to cheer up those sad kids and hear them out about whatever was making them sad was quite phenomenal…definitely gave me great joy to my heart and a permanent smile on my face X)
Things got interesting as summer drew near. I was elected Chaplain for the Fall semester- my first ministry leadership position ever- and it was kinda weird knowing that my-ex girlfriend was wanting to talk again and ‘just be friends’- I did not give in. I knew there was something different in store for me.

And that’s when I got the email.

An email from a fraternity friend from another chapter who had offered several others the opportunity to be a temporary leader for a youth group missions trip to Costa Rica for a week during June. I was late to reply since my passport was MIA for close to 2weeks. But when I finally did find it, I replied and got a call from the youth pastor of the church and was interviewed over the phone…a week later a 2nd interview was done and I had been told that I was selected to go. I had such a strong mix of emotions that I didn’t know how to feel other than just thinking- Thanks, God.
            My first missions trip with nothing needed to pay for. No fundraising, no sponsor letter writing, no car washing, nada…this opportunity just literally was given to me and it could not have been clearer as to this being God’s grace and blessing. Remember tho that I was still doing doing my Nazarite Vow. So let’s just say that the night before I flew out, I had my head and face all shaved clean. The Vow was done. I lost a few pounds in hair weight…but gained so much more.
Once again I began on a trend of being sent out traveling on my own to serve others and to serve God.
Flying out to Houston, Texas was my first exposure to the Lonestar state and to the church youth group that I never met before but was now a part of the leadership within it. WEIRD. But I was game. The next day we were flying out to Costa Rica…
To be concise, the week trip in Costa Rica was nothing short of amazing. The local people I met there were like distant relatives that I got to know and work with. The high school and middle school kids all loved me and surprised me with their actually witty sense of humors that I just fed off on- never knew that ghetto rap and hiphop was so big in Texas btw. The other leaders took me in and through all the hard work and service projects that we did while there, I felt part of the group.
Going back to the West Coast, I found myself working long hard days at a children’s summer day camp as a counselor and trying to prepare the best I could to serve as chaplain in the following semester. Well, working 40hours/week with children of all sorts in elementary school burned me out and made it tough to keep serving at the children’s ministry each Sunday. I suppose my ministry service was transitioning from kids to the college guys that I lived with in AGO. Starting the Fall semester and getting together with the exec guys was not bad. My main concern was with serving the spiritual needs of the house though it was tough to separate myself from the fact that I was not 100% in favor of certain standards/regulations that were set in place before me entering into that position- specifically in regards to drinking and smoking. I had to swallow my pride and bite my tongue many a time in order to keep the leadership unified. I did as much as I could that semester to really challenge the house towards spiritual growth and renewal through the bible studies, times of devotion and prayer, service events, etc. I definitely felt like I had to carry my own vision and passion to the guys at times since I felt few others were carrying the weight of helping me out- but it was a taste of pastoral leadership that I greatly needed. It was times like this that I most needed my friends and those ppl that I could just vent out to with no need to keep me on that ‘holy throne’ that I felt I needed to fill.
By the end of that semester, I was just wiped out. Tired of trying to make unity happen and just let whatever issues the house was undergoing to just run its course. I went back home to visit family for the holidays. And it was hard to believe how my youngest cousins had sprouted up over the 2 year+ period that I was away. During that winter break I seemed to get closer and get along better with my younger sister, my mom and dad. I had definitely changed! To this day I don’t see my entire family much; I do keep contact with my parents, brother, and sister but I guess staying in my hometown settling down wasn’t for me. I’m different from the rest in many ways. I clearly had a longer haul as far as my future went and I could not be happier…New years involved a random road trip up to SF with random ppl (including my ex) that was all initiated by my bigbro and others. I got involved somehow and ended up driving around all the bay area and ringing in 2009 at the apartment of a friend of a friend where drink flowed out of the keg and bottle like a desert rain. Being DD keep me clean from drink but it just blew my mind to think that a year ago I was under the Nazarite vow and avoided any alcohol association possible. I was completely fine with it tho cuz I had fun just getting to know the ppl… the end of 2008 was just the beginning of my mind and view on people and life to be widened more so than what I already thought it had been.

MMVII- Traveling

Posted by Christian | Posted in , , , , , , | Posted on Monday, February 22, 2010

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This is one of those years that I have a hard time believing that actually happened. The previous year was definitely just getting my feet wet for all that was to come in this year. No doubt that this year brought me the highest of highs but also the lowest lows…mind boggling to think that it all happened in one single year.
The start of 2007 came with a bang. I swapped my light and easy schedule to one that was filled with not just classes preparing me to study abroad in the Fall semester but now with a part-time job and relationships that I began to pour both time and energy into strengthening. I was a busy kid and had learned to better balance my studying with work and with maintaining a good social life. It was fun. A lot of good memories of late night hang outs with random people from the fraternity and sorority. I was putting a lot of attention towards building close friendships with guys and it was giving me a taste of what a Christian community actually looks like. The closest relationship that developed between me and Darko. We got along so well and were around each other so much that other ppl would combine our pldg names and call us ‘Dinko’ ;) Prv18:24 is the best way to describe just how close we became that spring semester and summer break. We actually worked together at CVS pharmacy- thanks to my bigbro for the reference. Working together was more like hanging out while stocking or doing cashiering. So much trash talk to say the least- but all in love. So it was the building of a family amongst me, Darko, and Suave. Closer than brothers indeed.
Not only was that summer a time of working at CVS and a first actually summer vacation that I spent much of it with my lil’bro, it was also the time when I actually started pursuing a girl towards a serious relationship. My relationship with Ping was very interesting. We did a lot together and it was fun going on the random adventures/roadtrips that we did. Fun times. But the timing was not the best. I have had the worst timing with most of my past relationships btw. I guess going off to study abroad for a year in Chile was going to make things interesting for the relationship that I had with Ping. Not only was it tough to leave her when the time came for us to part late that summer, it was even harder when things broke up suddenly about two months into my abroad semester. 
It seems like in the past, that the harder life was on me and the more shit I had to go through, the heavier the music I listened to became…rap rock, metal, punk, trash hardcore- a side of me that I had to deal with on my own as I sought understanding in all that I went through. It was my way of being able to relate with something that shared my great anger, frustration, angst, pain, and sadness that happens as you go through life and are learning about love. It just all spoke to me. Thank God I didn’t drink or smoke cuz I’m sure I would’ve gotten addicted very easily. I knew that I was not a drunk and that smoking wouldn’t do any good for me.  
Idk it was hard to go through stuff like that when being away from your closest friends. So I just kept it to myself since there was no one else that would understand or who would listen. It was actually during that time- Fall 2007- when I started blogging. Con Ganas, Huevon- a Spanish saying for ‘put some effort into it, punk’- was the first blog I created. I still kept a journal, but blogging became another outlet for me to unload and share (with the few that cared to read) what life was like for me.
Though much of the academic semester abroad was rough cuz of the different college system and teaching style, I found myself being blessed so much by finding and being welcomed into a tight community at a local church. Having other college-age ppl to be able to do things with and open up to was so vital for my overall well-being. I was relearning the lesson of needing people in my life to share with and confide in and that closing up to myself will only lead me to drowning in a downward spiral of misery. David Jachin, Mauro, Felipe, Guillermo- all brothers that kept me strong. Prayer and Fellowship. But make no mistake, that fall semester was still rough and brought with it plenty of trials. I am thankful for all of it though since it is all the pain, suffering, and scars that has helped me to get through in the end being stronger and knowing more about myself. Strength behind the scars.    
            About the last half in December, once the semester of classes finished up, is when I packed up my backpack and joined my older brother and cousin on a travel excursion heading down to the tip of South America. FYI- my brother is a hardcore traveler while me and my cousin Giovanni are more on the tourist side of things- so this made an interesting mix that ultimately led us to splitting up lol. But it was all an amazing time that opened my mind to the beauty of traveling with other people to share in rare memories that you’ll maybe never experience again. Liberating in so many ways. I don’t think I will be ringing in the New Year being aboard a cargo ship that we hitched a ride on that’s heading down to Patagonia with a friend like I did that year…BUT... never say never.

Intermission 3*

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Sunday, February 21, 2010

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+26 descriptors of yours truly in alphabetical order+

Aware of the details.
Brown.
Challenges the norm.
Dreamer.
Exercise buff.
Friends&Family.
Ghetto.
Hopeful.
Impatient.
Joker.
Keep walking, Johnnie Walker.
Listener.
Movies&Music.
Nostalgic.
Open-minded.
Patient.
Question it all.
Romantic.
Simple.
Traveler.
Under God.
Vulnerable.
Wanderer.
(e)Xotic.
Young at heart.
Zoolander.


*cuz 3 is better than 1 or 2 or any other number and I have way to much time to think on the LONG bus rides I have to go through.

Intermission Prt. II

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, February 20, 2010

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More than just a whiskey ad. 

No matter how hard it gets, 
how much it hurts
how much you just want to give up, 
how exhausted you get.
only one way to go...

Keep Walking.


Intermission for some Inspiration

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Thursday, February 18, 2010

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"Why do we fall? 
So that we can learn 
how to pick ourselves up."

- Alfred Pennyworth

MMVI; RE-UGH-RANGED

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, February 16, 2010

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It finally was happening. I was on the road out of my hometown in Central California. It was as if the two years that I spent being back home- working, getting back on track with college, and above all else- getting the peace and comfort of God- it was all my rehab; a solitary confinement; A type of intervention that exposed the mess I was really in and helped me get things in tune to truly experience LIFE.
Way too much stuff happened this year; so much more in a year than ever before.
In a nutshell: God rocked my world.
I packed everything into my G20; all that I owned and need was packed into that little car. I drove down to San Diego.
Once again I found myself moving into dorms. Unlike the well supervised same-sex regulations and curfews for girl visits that I saw during my semester at TU, I was caught off guard to see guys and girls living together on the same floor and that my dorm room door was right across the hall from the girls restroom/shower area *insert a huge wide-eyed emoticon face HERE*
No doubt that partying and drinking was rampant. Drama and drunkenness was part of the nightly routine. Geez, no way I could mistake SDSU for TU at all. Vastly different schools and I was realizing that I was a different person that I was back in TU. Though there was endless opportunities and invites for me to join this party or to come hangout at some random persons house for beer pong, I was safeguarded from falling into those vices and bad spiritual environments since I knew that God had brought me to SDSU for something bigger and better than that. Back home, God grabbed hold of me and of my life. Now in San Diego, I was undoubtedly sure that He was calling me to find some on-campus organization or club that would connect me with good people whose lives were rooted in God as well…No long after, I had found it…not exactly what I had in mind- but I found it.
Going Greek and pledging Alpha Gamma Omega Fraternity (AGO) was crazy. A slap in the face that I truly needed to put me in my place…LMAO. Trust me when I say that it was all for the betterment of myself. Somehow I got through that Spring semester at SDSU though I was taking around 18 units (6 classes) and pledging AGO. I got nothing less than a B that semester and I didn’t quit pledging; so all was good. That summer I had registered for 15 units of classes- all of them for my International Business major- it sssssssssssssuckkkked. Oh so so bad did it suck going through semester after semester, working my butt off, and not having anytime for a real social life. I s’pose it took me a while to realize that college is more than just taking classes. That its all about the people you meet and making memories with those few special people that will turn into friends that I will have beyond my time as a student. Nope at that time I struggled to breakout of my shell and share life with others. But I needed that summer semester to burn me the heck out and for me to realize that there was something wrong when my life consisted of only classes, studying, working out, aand sleeping;)
The fall semester came and I was like ‘I’m gonna take it down a notch.’ It was during the Fall of 2006 when I actually was able to let people into my life and I found myself opening up…and soon after I left my lame structure and control and dove into the adventurous fun random life that blessed me with people and awesome memories.
All the guys in the fraternity saw me change from that lame pledge and into a funny random junior active. Haha. Before the end of that semester I had been assigned my first lil’bro Darko, went to a Sigma Kappa Date Dance dressed as a pirate, enjoyed my first active banquet, busted out dancing on a walk around for the sisters of ADX, smoked my first cigar, and seriously could not believe at how much my life had changed in less than a year. No longer a lost loner back in hometown territory; I now was free and discovering so much about myself through the blessing of letting others into my life who wanted to only build me up in following Christ.
As far as church went, I still frequented Sunday mass and was proud of my Catholic roots (though some guys in the fraternity were very critical about me being a Christian- I can’t stand that ignorant bs btw) and def had faith in Jesus and nothing else. I still didn’t know what exactly the future would hold- only that I would be studying abroad in 2007 in Chile for a year and hope to graduate the semester after that… No longer did this unknown and lack of complete control make me stress out or give me anxiety like it did before. If you asked me then and ask me know it’s the same answer- you just gotta have faith.  

MMV- Shattered Eyes

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Wednesday, February 10, 2010

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The year before in ‘04- it was a struggle to breathe. The stress and anxiety and crap of starting from scratch after dropping out of a legit private 4yr University was behind me, Thank God. Starting ’05 was reassuring knowing that I had gotten back in the rhythm of taking classes and progressing toward transferring to a university somewhere else. But with school and academics all aside, there was another bigger life-changing reassurance that I had been craving for all through last year.
An epiphany. 
A life revelation that smacked me in the face, heart, and soul. 
Truth.

There just came a time during late in 2004 and that went into early 2005 where I asked myself- 

What am I so worried about? What am I afraid of?

These probing questions unearthed the true reality of what was so messed up inside of me. It helped me to tear out that cancer of insecurity and fear of living in an uncertain world that isn’t so comfortable. This all stemmed from the sad reality of me seeking in people what they could not give me. In people I was seeking love, attention, trust, comfort, care, encouragement, acceptance, guidance, and so many other things. It took me up until this time in my life to understand that people can not fulfill you…
People can not fulfill you with an abundant life!
So I looked to just go it alone. Rely on myself. It worked for a while but that’s not the way I was able to be happy- just go it alone in my little shell. I’ve been there and done that. It gets you no where and alone…
What then? 
What else was left? 
If not people, and if I couldn’t do it own my own- what the heck is there left to do?...


Silence…

Nothing but silence.


…and that’s when I stopped hearing myself and the enemy that plagued my mind.


In the weakest point, when I couldn’t figure it out…I noticed my Catholic Youth Bible that I had since 7th grade. And opening it up and reading through the psalm poerty… that’s when it hit me. 
That’s when Gods Word hit me the hardest I’ve ever been hit before… 
So damn hard that I teared up and wept like never before… It was Him.
God, my Father, the Lord and Maker of everything that called me to Him.
And all I heard in my heard was His voice-

I AM HERE…I AM HERE…I AM HERE
---
I felt just like a little kid, who was left for missing in a huge mall, desperately looking for his parents after wandering off. And then suddenly, when you stop moving and searching for them…you hear your dad’s voice call out for you… and all that weight of worry and fear is lifted off your shoulders when you see him and you run and embrace him with no words to say and all you know is- that it’s all going to be okay... you are safe.
When God spoke to me and embraced me as his broken child, my life changed. From the inside out. I had joy in my life because of my growing faith in God. He gave me hope and love and encouragement and comfort and everything that I had previously looked for in people and in myself. I was happy with my job, with going to school, and I spread it all onto my family. They definitely noticed things were getting better for me when I started smiling and laughing a lot more than before. Not only that, I began to get healthier and slowly, I gained mass and weight... The best feeling was seeing my mom overjoyed to see that I was getting better.
From that point of transforming revelation and on into the rest of the year- doors of opportunity started popping open for my future. During the summer break, I could not get San Diego State out of my head. Already set on majoring in International Business (I loved Anthropology, world cultures, and traveling but wanted something with some practical career application beyond teaching or field research) I was split between UCSD- but it seemed too hippie for me;) APU- but it seemed to be just like TU and I didn’t want to pay thousands more for a more ‘comfy’ college life aaand SDSU- ghetto but sunny lol! and they had a nationally ranked study abroad program in Int’l Business.  So I focused on SDSU and applied for admission as a Spring 2006 transfer. In late summer I got a letter back from the admissions office regarding my application. I opened it and found out I had gotten…DENIED.
Uugggggggghh. It sucked. It sucked big donkey balls. But I didn’t let it go. I knew and was sure that I had all the classes that I could take at the community college all done- whatever requirements remained I had to take there directly at SDSU. Like a heartbroken teenager- which I was!- I wanted to know WHY I was shut down…(why don’t you want me SDSU like I want you?...haha) I called and sent a letter of petition that stated my case…and I applied to the Fall transfer admission but that would leave me missing out on 6months+ of school since I had no other classes that I could take for my major…and time passed on…and I began to just accept that I was going to change my plans for school. Soon after that I received another letter in the mail from SDSU Admissions. So I opened it up and saw that it was a letter. A letter of acceptance for SDSU- and it was bitter sweet- cuz’ I just knew that it was for the Fall semester. And I read it over again…Spring 2006. I couldn’t believe it! I seriously couldn’t. So before I got too excited, I called to make sure that it wasn’t a typo. Talking with an advisor that personally reviewed my petition and application, she confirmed with me that it was for Spring semester;)… THANK YOU GOD ALMIGHTY!!...hhhhhhaleujah...
There was a goof up with a class that I had not completed yet but would be taking the Fall semester right before Spring.
Once I saw the light of leaving home and entering SDSU in 2006, I gained tunnel vision. I was focused. I knew exactly where I was going. I knew that it was God that had lighted the way and pointed me on that path to SDSU and that He has graciously opened the door for me to go. For the first time in my life, I had a clear vision of where I was going in the future. I worked my butt off that Fall semester, enjoyed the holidays with my big family like I never had before (work hard, party harder;) and finished 2005 feeling like a new person...WORD. 

MMIV; Tattered & Torn

Posted by Christian | Posted in | Posted on Monday, February 08, 2010

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No sugar coating this at all but this year sucked. It was easily the toughest and most painful year that I can recall since my very existence on this earth. Picking up from where 2003 ended, I found myself unable to make myself return back to TU. Ultimately it was realizing that I did not want to devote another 3½ years (or more) to being there…I was beginning to feel my true weakness in my spirit and how I was not meant to simply follow in the footsteps of my brother.
Change was coming and it hit me like a low blow in a boxing match. Having to break the news of my decision to officially withdraw from TU to my parents was not easy. Having my mom worry and cry every night about me not being in school anymore was not helping at all… It was as if all the crap that I was experiencing since I entered college was spilling over and infecting her like a virus. I hated myself for it. I hated to see her suffer and hurt. Not my mom…I would have preferred to be in jail and be locked up or be beaten bloody than to see all the shit that my mom went through because of me…
And so, I greeted the spring of 2004 no longer a college student, but rather as a high school graduate who was still living at home, unable to take any classes at the community college because of the past registration deadline, had no real clue where to go for school or what to study, and was in need of a job. This was the last place I wanted to be in life after graduating high school. I was ashamed, confused, and utterly lonely. It was at this stage of life that I found myself living my greatest fear that I still have today- the creeping sense of hopelessness.

I sure did not think this hopeful at the time 
but there was some other plan for me;
something else that was different in my life beyond the structure of school;
something more than a mere plan for my life- this was all a beginning to discovering myself- a path which is never fully paved. 
   
All I knew was that I couldn’t give up. I quit TU and I did not want to do anymore quitting. I couldn’t stop trying to find that hope for my future. Giving up hope is just like dying but still being physically alive. Looking for hope was a matter of survival.
Driving all over town, making phone calls, and meeting with managers of different businesses in the area proved exhausting and discouraging when no sight of a job came about. But some greater plan was taking shape when I stepped foot into where I least expected to find the possibility of a job. No sign of any kind that gave or anything, I stepped into a CJ’s restaurant and was offered an interview on the spot by the hiring manager, Jon, after I simply asked if there were any job openings at the time… later that same week, I was started working as a busboy and cashier. I wasn’t working many hours at all, I remember working just 3hours for about 4 days a week- ridiculous I know. I don’t think many other people would have stayed at a job like that, but I figured that it was better than nothing. I know see that this job helped me learn to be humble. Though I had to do so much dirty work when I first started out at CJ’s, I remember thinking to myself. ‘Well, who am I to complain? I have a job. Not everyone does.’ I also remember a certain shift supervisor that would find it funny and odd that I hadn’t quit yet after seeing the bad hours that I was getting. He didn’t say it but the vibe he gave me was why the hell are you here?… and I thought to myself ‘I don’t want to be a Quitter.’ Being at CJ’s during that year showed me that many people and things in life are going to try to knock you down and make you quit- but I knew that working there was not the end for me. It was just a stepping stone on the path of getting my life back in order. Yeah, I didn’t know what exactly that was for me, but I knew that there’s was something bigger and better for me waiting in the future…This gave me the tiniest bit of strength to take the shit from the jerk supervisor I had and smile back knowing that there was more than CJ’s in my future.  
The start of summer class registration at the local community college meant I was signing up for more than a full load of classes. No being in school for about 5months left me craving to get back in the swing of school and to get the ball rolling with the transfer process to a 4year university. I took at least 15units (5 classes) for each of the summer and fall semesters. My life was busy with full-time school, studying, and working 20hrs+ during the last three days of each week. I was playing catch-up from the lost time and much of the nontransferable coursework from TU. Things were changing but I still remained the super skinny shy meek kid that I was from high school. Insecurity still plagued me and tied me up though I yearned for people to reach out to me. I found some connection with the explicit metal music that I listened to that shared my feelings and pain. But as the year rolled to a close, I found myself having grasped bits of hope and joy for what I was doing. By the end of the year, working at CJ’s was actually fun once I established relationships with my co-workers and new management took over that blessed me with actually good people who were nice and hard workers. Having many Mexicans working there made the work crew all feel like family since I could communicate with them in Spanish. Caucasians were a clear minority- unlike TU, it was what was familiar and not foreign to me at all (ironic??...maybe)   
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